tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6641651032395313392024-03-05T18:06:19.412-08:00Darth NerdThe story of a nerd who uses his powers for evil.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-36381513017408236372011-05-04T18:18:00.000-07:002011-05-06T00:23:15.974-07:00May the Fourth Be With You!<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal">It’s May 4<sup>th</sup>! Star Wars Day! My favorite day of the year! For this momentous occasion, I’m unveiling a little project that I’ve decided to work on called, “Star Wars: A Saga of Plot Holes.” I plan to release a series of videos, wherein two droids in the Star Wars Universe have discussions and point out all of the things that don’t make sense in their galaxy. For Part I the obvious choice was the droids themselves. Enjoy!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6FlvM-74TUs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal"> </div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-89480997352140568792011-04-29T13:12:00.000-07:002011-05-05T13:20:49.324-07:00George Lucas Has Become Emperor Palpatine<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"> It's getting closer to Star Wars Day (May 4th) So I figured that I'd use this opportunity to let out a little aggression I've been feeling for the Star Wars franchise lately. </div><div class="MsoNormal"> In case you haven’t heard, <a href="http://shutupandwatchthemovie.wordpress.com/2011/04/01/george-lucas-says-hell-remake-the-prequel-trilogy/%20">George Lucas wants to remake the Star Wars Prequels</a> because they sucked. Yeah, I know. It feels like fans just endured the anguish of seeing the first prequel trilogy release and he already wants to do it again. The good news is that Lucas openly admits to some of the larger mistakes that he made in directing the prequel trilogy (yes, Jar Jar Binks is one of them) and promises fans that they won’t see those same mistakes in attempt number two. The bad news is that, as far as we know, George Lucas will still be directing these films and so we can expect them to be slightly familiar, yet unique, piles of crap. Yeah, I said it: George Lucas is a shitty Director. Or at the very least, he’s the human appendix of the film industry (i.e. he may have had some use at some point, but that was long ago). </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">One of the sadder parts of Lucas’ interview is how he blames every nameless person that was associated with the film process for the films’ failure, as if he had nothing to do with it and they just sexually molested the Star Wars franchise while he stared in awe. I mean, really? </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">Dude, you’re George Goddamn Lucas! You own, profit from, and have the ultimate decision in anything even pertaining to the Star Wars Universe! Your copyrights are so strong that I wouldn’t be surprised if you actually physically got to own the Star Wars Galaxy once we find it in the future! </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">I don’t understand how Lucas could possibly play the victim when he wrote a script with less thought put into its creation than was put into the Shake Weight.</div><div class="MsoNormal"> Anyway, when I first learned that Lucas hopes to recreate the prequel trilogy, I didn’t know what to think. On one hand, the prequel trilogy was a disaster. On the other hand, I have just finished my two years of therapy that helped me cope with the first prequel trilogy and don’t know if I’ll be able to stomach another one. There was a time in my life where I believed that, whether good or bad, more Star Wars was an inherently good thing. How naïve I was. After seeing the Christmas Special, The Ewok Adventures, and half of episode I, I learned very quickly that this was not the case.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">However, after a lot of consideration, I’ve decided that George Lucas should remake the Star Wars Prequels. Why? Well, to put it simply: screw it. I don’t care. At this point, Lucas could go back and make Anakin Skywalker a four-foot tall ballerina. I really wouldn’t care. I appreciate the original Star Wars Trilogy for all of the valuable lessons that it taught me as a child, like how to react when your subordinates fail to capture a ship. I was content with letting go of the prequel trilogy and its potential remake until one week later a rumor started circulating on the Internet (based on a television interview) that Lucas has plans to remake the Original Trilogy by the year 2020. For the first time in my life, this nerd has no words to speak. So I let the wise men of the past speak for me by creating the following video:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/gfeiVEhqxt4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-86865627815882546262011-03-16T21:36:00.000-07:002011-03-17T12:23:19.484-07:00Call of Duty is for Sissies<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"> The other day I was playing a war video game and got the urge to actually shoot someone in the face. I’ll admit that these urges happen regularly whether I’m playing video games or not, but this time I seriously considered joining the military. The only problem with this idea is that I don’t like getting shot in the face very much. Then it hit me: what if I could have my cake, and shoot it in the face too?<br />
I recalled that in 2008 the United States military dedicated more than $50 million for the purposes of purchasing and developing <a href="http://www.stripes.com/news/not-playing-around-army-to-invest-50m-in-combat-training-games-1.85595">video games for military training purposes.</a> The idea behind this was that military personnel could use the interactive technology to practice combat on-foot and in vehicles without the negative effects of failure, so that they could learn from their mistakes. This practice has already been implemented and expanded in recent years, which implies that it has been effective.<br />
Meanwhile on the home front, the war rages on regarding video game censorship, wherein people argue that violent video games can have real influences on those whom play them. Many concerned citizens even claim that these games should be outlawed in the United States. I wholeheartedly agree. The fact that the military uses video games for training already proves that we learn from video games. These video games are sick perversions that should not be allowed to continue. The bottom line is that these video games do not go far enough.<br />
I mean, c’mon! Extra lives? Re-spawning? Health bars? What are we teaching our population? These games only instruct an unrealistic expectation of warfare. If we were ever forced to fight, we wouldn’t stand a chance with our pseudo-warfare training. We need to outlaw these games and develop games that allow the player to experience the pain that they would feel in actual combat, make the player saw off his own leg to prevent infection, and put a close friend out of their misery once they have become too wounded. I’m talking about video games that can cause the player to develop post-traumatic stress! I want a war game that will cause me to wake up in the night with a cold sweat! Only then will our country truly understand and be prepared for actual military combat.<br />
Now, I’m not suggesting that we make video games that will kill us; that would defeat the purpose. All I’m saying is that we should make games that come close to killing us. If we die in the game, our consoles should be programmed to put us into a coma for a week or two, then all we’d have to do is survive the after-affects of psychological warfare and we’d be just fine. If people are so worried that video games are skewing our perception of reality, then we should make our games as close to reality as possible. And if the military truly wants adequate training for our troops, then we should make sure that they understand what actual combat is like. Then I’d finally have a game that lets me shoot someone in the face and leaves me with the satisfaction of knowing that the person I just shot will need months of physical and psychological recovery. And there is no better feeling than that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOytqd7inVHLgKRtVyR0vlXUEKtgeVyeQVGM_l8O2BrhbrWd9z69fGQ_q66JjTbPSCPccbUf2FU2qXwUtah8Wr9PGgAojaXTPvf9O964hVC4qrlyvNQIELD8IoJbt9E6m1enjbVCprKRk/s1600/gory_headshot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOytqd7inVHLgKRtVyR0vlXUEKtgeVyeQVGM_l8O2BrhbrWd9z69fGQ_q66JjTbPSCPccbUf2FU2qXwUtah8Wr9PGgAojaXTPvf9O964hVC4qrlyvNQIELD8IoJbt9E6m1enjbVCprKRk/s320/gory_headshot.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-21882146093172086912011-03-03T13:07:00.000-08:002011-03-16T20:37:28.355-07:00Good Parenting and Childhood Obesity and How They’re the Same Thing<style>
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<div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">I think that it’s time we had an open discussion about a serious problem confronting America: Obesity. It’s no secret that there simply aren’t enough fat people anymore. Years ago we were all getting fatter and obesity was on the rise, but lately I’ve been hearing a whole lot of talk about health, fitness, and other offensive notions. I’d like to denounce these ideas as a threat to our way of life as we know it. </span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Firstly, fat people are hilarious. There used to be a ton of fat comedians, but now we are seeing more and more inconceivably un-entertaining fit people like Dane Cook take the stage. Obese comedians, or as I refer to them “professional fatties,” used to dominate our entertainment industries and were hilarious, but due to a short lifespan brought on by their own obesity, we have seen their numbers all but diminish over the years. Not only have the professional fatties been an endangered species, but average run-of-the-mill overweight people, or as I refer to them “freelance fatties,” are slowly declining with the rise of health efforts. </span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">This American tragedy is an abomination of God. Fat people were put on this Earth to suffer so that we can be entertained. I know it sounds like a bad deal for the obese, but it is their sacrifice that makes the rest of us able to cope with our lives and without them the world would erupt with bouts of self-hatred. </span></div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: small; text-decoration: none;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFwAprAL7ZuZGrnif2TCBZPEtUuKcPBjcN6e1fqFWfIf6tiZHh1nMX0jX0COdh-W5a7J4ip88Gtv8RlC-OonDl9CLpnPzXwkR9O_mt1LzcZBYof67rYn1Iq4zIPTr48fKvcWGtfwIp_9c/s1600/FatPeople.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFwAprAL7ZuZGrnif2TCBZPEtUuKcPBjcN6e1fqFWfIf6tiZHh1nMX0jX0COdh-W5a7J4ip88Gtv8RlC-OonDl9CLpnPzXwkR9O_mt1LzcZBYof67rYn1Iq4zIPTr48fKvcWGtfwIp_9c/s320/FatPeople.png" width="256" /></a></span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have an especially close relationship with this issue because, as a Nerd, fat people were the one other group that it was acceptable to make fun of. The extinction of fat people would force bullies to make fun of nerds almost exclusively, besides the gingers. Obviously, any fool can see that this attempt to eliminate obesity is an act of genocide. Really, America? You want to destroy an entire population of people just because you don’t agree with their ideologies. If that doesn’t sound like an act of genocide, then I don’t know what is. Some would argue that fat people are not an ethnic group, but these people are ignorant. Fat people have a rich and lush history with many notable contributions to society. Buddha, Chris Farley, Jabba the Hutt, Fat Albert, and the entire Sumo wrestling profession are just a few of obesity's contributors. </span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">If you’re a parent, make the right decision and feed your child twelve meals a day, each meal having half of its overall weight in trans fats. If you play your cards right, your child can serve as a sacrificial under-human, a protector of others through the noble act of being gross and hilarious. We live in a world that is becoming more and more strict on what is acceptable to make fun of, and fat people stand as the last bastion of hope in a humorless world. Besides, think about what is best for your child. Would you rather see your child live a long, unhappy life or a short life of blissful consumption? Countless parents have been hurt by their children rebelling and running away, but if you make your children obese, they won’t be running anywhere. Your child is safe indoors, under your protection, so ensure they won’t be able to fit through your doors. It’s just good parenting, people! Don’t be irresponsible and let your child become brainwashed by the government and become an unhappy, conforming, healthy moron.</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">I hope that people will realize that this is a serious issue that we cannot take lightly. If we don’t act quickly, the world could risk losing one of its most valuable assets. It is up to us, to ensure that our children carry on the American tradition of a healthy society, by being as unhealthy as humanely possible.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-21876057423612231002011-02-24T12:51:00.000-08:002011-03-25T14:03:25.635-07:00China Blows<style>
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<div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Let’s face it: China blows. That country is like a low-budget spinoff of a crappy country. And while I’ve never been particularly good at similes, I know good leadership when I see it, and you have to give credit to the people who run China. China is a totalitarian government-a type of government I’ve always respected. Any dummy can rule by dictatorship if they control the military and instill fear, but it takes no small measure of balls to convince an entire population that your ideas are correct through brainwashing. China has more people than any other country by a long shot, so the fact that the leaders have been able to cripple their citizens’ ability to think independently is certainly something to be admired. As the saying goes, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me every day for my entire life, and I must be living in China."</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> In a modern society such as ours it’s difficult to keep even a single person entirely ignorant, especially with the rise of the despicable invention known as the Internet. The Internet allows anyone at any time to learn about basically anything and this poses a problem to the Chinese government. Can you imagine what would happen if the Chinese found out that they are <i>technically</i> people and have rights? I’m sure good old Chairman Mao would shudder in his grave at the very thought of it. Luckily for China, they have developed an electronic defense system that keeps the knowledge of other countries out of the people’s reach. Remember when you were little and your parents put parental blocks on your Internet access? Well, China is a chubby, </span><span style="font-family: Cambria; font-size: small;">1,331,460,000</span><span style="font-size: small;"> person baby. Google tried to open up the Internet but China succeeded at stopping that not too long ago. So now the Internet is basically a fraction of itself as it's been completely stripped of any content deemed inappropriate, which leads me to believe that there is <a href="http://www.cutelittlekittens.com/">only one </a>accessible website left at this point. Their system can even apparently detect dissent from the Communist Party’s values because if something is posted on the web in China that is critical of the leadership it disappears within minutes, and I assume the person who posted it disappears as well. I call this magnificent invention The Great Firewall of China.</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0.1pt 0in; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSPE76iRmfOMK5HX-0DYnfFbI2Ph1CStFWhT8ffm7LLnEWZunBTFexUEOMbCBNakd2jT8TzWe-p4I5ooruqLfVRScs96UrY6hykLQlCpIGKfVjQ0qo0Fm8nBKkCU4XR4Sqiq-zD5UY7E/s1600/500x_google-firewall.jpg"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSPE76iRmfOMK5HX-0DYnfFbI2Ph1CStFWhT8ffm7LLnEWZunBTFexUEOMbCBNakd2jT8TzWe-p4I5ooruqLfVRScs96UrY6hykLQlCpIGKfVjQ0qo0Fm8nBKkCU4XR4Sqiq-zD5UY7E/s1600/500x_google-firewall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSPE76iRmfOMK5HX-0DYnfFbI2Ph1CStFWhT8ffm7LLnEWZunBTFexUEOMbCBNakd2jT8TzWe-p4I5ooruqLfVRScs96UrY6hykLQlCpIGKfVjQ0qo0Fm8nBKkCU4XR4Sqiq-zD5UY7E/s320/500x_google-firewall.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> As any person with a basic knowledge of China knows, the Chinese have always been obsessed with enormous walls. According to the Disney film <u>Mulan</u> (which is where I learned almost everything that I know about China) the Chinese built the Great Wall of China to keep out the Mongolians, but I don’t buy this cover-up one bit. Besides, <u>Mulan</u> also claims that Eddie Murphy is a tiny dragon, and I don’t fully believe that either. No, China’s Great Wall wasn’t built to keep invaders out; it was built to keep the Chinese in. The government is even using the same cover story that it has always used. It's telling the Chinese that our values, ideas, and </span><span style="font-size: small;">way of life</span><span style="font-size: small;"> are evil and that it’s best to keep us out, just like it said that the Mongolians were evil all those years ago.</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> Now, this is where I have to wonder: is the Chinese government right about us? After all, we did bring Justin Bieber into this world. I mean, think of China as a place where absolutely nobody has seen the video <u>2 Girls 1 Cup</u>. It sounds like a paradise. A whole country of unscarred, innocent people who are so sheltered from the rest of the world that they haven’t even figured out how much money we owe them. If ignorance is bliss then China is the picture of happiness. Which brings me back to my original point: China blows.</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> China isn’t awful because it is too suppressed and fascist, it’s awful because it’s too perfect. With China’s Great Wall and Great Firewall, it has basically become an enormous gated community. The people there are bare husks of humans, devoid of most qualities typically associated with people, and ignorant of the world beyond their country. I say that we do the right thing and stand with the Mongolians as our allies. We must march up to China's Great Wall and shout, “China, tear down that wall…and th-that other invisible wall on the internet!” Then the Chinese people can be exposed to all of our evil and join us as equals in this horrible, dirty world. Then we will shout, “See that, China? Now you’re just as bad as the rest of us! How do you like that?” That’ll show ‘em.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-16682149826276046072011-02-23T13:54:00.000-08:002011-03-25T13:49:35.788-07:00Save Tomorrow by Abusing a Child Today<style>
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</style><span style="font-size: small;">Recently the Anaheim Union High School District, located in Anaheim, California, volunteered to take part in <a href="http://www.dailytech.com/GPS+Units+Track+Students+Who+Skip+School/article20962.htm">a trial program that uses GPS technology to constantly monitor students with multiple truancies</a>. Good, I say. I’ve always thought that parents today need to monitor their children more closely. Giving children cell phones, stalking their social networking profiles, and installing a camera in the bathroom just isn’t enough. Any pediatrician or hippy will tell you that our children are the future and we’ll need to watch our children really closely <i>so that we can see into the future</i>. Perhaps by monitoring our children twenty-four hours a day we can pick up on some early warning signs of what the future will hold. Personally, I monitor our youth for decaying flesh and an appetite for brains, but there are many reasons that we’d want to watch our children. </span> <br />
<div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> California has many great applications of this brilliant tactic. For example, did you know that in California, we decide how many prisons we should build in the next ten years by looking at third-grade test scores? If scores are low, we start building prisons to put them in. Now that’s what I call foresight! But why should we stop there? We should just watch our toddlers at the park and as soon as one of them so much as steals another child’s pacifier, we should ship them off to Siberia. We should install cameras into every pregnant womb in the nation and ensure that the fetuses that kick too much get birthed in Antarctica, away from civilized adults.</span></div><div style="margin: 0.1pt 0in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> The bottom line is that this GPS system is a great start. If you are a child who has missed school six times or more without an excuse, you will be tracked twenty-four hours every day and be required to enter a code five times a day to confirm your location and obedience. It only makes sense that we should invoke this system so that we can make the future the one that we want it to be. Some of our children will probably grow up to be criminals and we should start treating them that way now. If you can't afford what the good people of Anaheim, California have done, just start beating your children. I know that it sounds a little barbaric but it has always worked in the past. Many of the nerds that I know became reclusive and lost in obsession with science fiction, fantasy, or technology because their lives sucked, so abusing our children will only create more of the most awesome people. If we all work together and pledge to beat just one additional child each week, we can work together to make sure that our children learn their place and don't grow up to be criminals. If you need more convincing, then I suggest that you take some advice from our former Governor on the matter. He'll let you in on the truth about children and their evil ways.</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1clRwX-7PCnEvoy_HgXf5dl8SWuV_c-s_niEQoneT_4d4LaWrbqTbvmk-V-erbBVxNbwaKla1ATaP4rgkuqlytZIdhXEI56ijetQraGJt9_G5K-oM9BIXEJYWn81zi55QHhhIhGvAp7g/s1600/kindergarten_cop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1clRwX-7PCnEvoy_HgXf5dl8SWuV_c-s_niEQoneT_4d4LaWrbqTbvmk-V-erbBVxNbwaKla1ATaP4rgkuqlytZIdhXEI56ijetQraGJt9_G5K-oM9BIXEJYWn81zi55QHhhIhGvAp7g/s320/kindergarten_cop.jpg" width="214" /></a></span></div><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-31160479212952255392011-02-17T12:55:00.000-08:002011-05-03T09:05:01.580-07:00Pokémon and Slavery and Why They're Both Awesome<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">Remember Pokémon? The sensation that took up the majority of your time </span><span style="font-size: small;">(if you were doing it right) </span><span style="font-size: small;">in the late nineties and early 21st century? I certainly do. Pokémon were great because they were addictive and could be found everywhere. The amount of Pokémon cards, toys, and paraphernalia you had were practically a testament to your worth when I was growing up. They were a currency too. Everyone on the block would do whatever it took to beef up their collection. The creators of Pokémon were so good at marketing their product that their slogan was “Gotta’ Catch ‘Em All!” It doesn’t get any closer to drug addiction than that, except of course once it actually reaches drug addiction.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;">For those of you that weren’t part of the phenomenon, the reason that Pokémon were so awesome wasn’t because anyone played the card game or even liked the television shows or films. Pokémon were awesome because you got to be better than other people. When my Snorlax body slammed your Charmander, it was my way of saying, “Hey. I’m better than you on a molecular level.” The ways of rank and file in the world of children is something that was sorely missed after the days of the caste system and </span><span style="font-size: small;">Pokémon</span><span style="font-size: small;"> allowed for such a hierarchy to be reinstated. Naturally, there were some people who weren’t happy about this </span><span style="font-size: small;">Pokémon caste system</span><span style="font-size: small;">, but as is often the case with capitalism, the only people who are against it</span><span style="font-size: small;"> tend to be the people that can’t compete in a society based on merit (A.K.A. the losers). As a winner, I was happy for such a system to arise in all its glory.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"> And it wasn’t just the trumping of other players that made the youth world such a pissing match, as Pokémon was even a caste system in the fantasy world itself. As an imaginary Pokémon trainer, we got to own other living things that could apparently think and interact on a human level. We were the Pokémon <i>masters</i> and the Pokémon were our captive servants. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9aXnxgjQndqP4cQXbKBg5DRGkgeGwWQ7BNFnQqPc2li1H7PkCqUq4T21a4t_CH3lXxirbLdAdJSaJ3SXIX3MY8BnjunfZvPmr9T15EYok5LwgYU1LnK26r3t8K2BoNTOWAPSlgVfvI8s/s1600/images-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9aXnxgjQndqP4cQXbKBg5DRGkgeGwWQ7BNFnQqPc2li1H7PkCqUq4T21a4t_CH3lXxirbLdAdJSaJ3SXIX3MY8BnjunfZvPmr9T15EYok5LwgYU1LnK26r3t8K2BoNTOWAPSlgVfvI8s/s1600/images-1.jpg" /></a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"> I mean think about it: Pokémon was a world where one class of creatures invented a device that would force the rest of the population into a life of servitude. If you had to be a Pokémon, you'd be screwed. One day, you’d be walking in the woods and all of a sudden a human would capture you, put you in a tiny ball, and make you fight for their amusement for the rest of your life. Luckily though, you were never a Pokémon in this world; you were their master. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"> Being the master of an army of underlings gave our personalities as children an exaggerated sense of importance, and urged us to do more, get better, and “be the very best that no one ever was.” I believe that this bled into some of our lives in a way that was likely positive. After all, who wouldn’t want their kids to shoot for the stars? All I’m saying is that slavery is a positive influence on society. If we resumed the practice of slavery in some form, it would imbue our children with that same sense of importance that Pokémon did, and encourage us to accomplish more in our lives. Sure, there would be a population that is forced into a life of unpaid labor, but they would be sacrificing their well-being so that humanity could advance more rapidly. Besides, we could always use the high school dropouts, jocks, and stoners as slaves; it’s not like they're going to contribute anything positive anyway. All I’m trying to say is this:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKaCQpeuh3tp9DDBTrt3T69J3Z0LS7IbfEke0G0Le__y2MdjFpIlIJhAJr5xEhoTJ_R77Kl3yPemAGKmt9RYGsrFyxyAGw8A9T5Nc3hLcBcJhVlD8EE2Y2nLc-2zecunDmX0MwQWccP3k/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKaCQpeuh3tp9DDBTrt3T69J3Z0LS7IbfEke0G0Le__y2MdjFpIlIJhAJr5xEhoTJ_R77Kl3yPemAGKmt9RYGsrFyxyAGw8A9T5Nc3hLcBcJhVlD8EE2Y2nLc-2zecunDmX0MwQWccP3k/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;">I rest my case.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-34148971700495399642011-02-17T00:30:00.000-08:002011-03-25T13:10:16.308-07:00When You Wish Upon a Star Wars<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Star Wars fans! All of the patient waiting and fantasizing has paid off, and not just the waiting in lines outside of the theater! Lightsabers are well on their way to existing in all of their destructive glory! That’s right! The world’s strongest laser has been invented - and guess what? It resembles a lightsaber. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ppLrveGAy8SyC2kwDbhqWdFaldescubvc-cJIiMg-Wv-brUx0WdO1wP_-_J2Exa7eUurBbFwCoQeyGvsAvrlwmhSWrP5Jan0nazO0iRZFPp6G4ohIkbfqt2ddAVHqqvhDvKFznIcUK4/s1600/500x_spyder3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0ppLrveGAy8SyC2kwDbhqWdFaldescubvc-cJIiMg-Wv-brUx0WdO1wP_-_J2Exa7eUurBbFwCoQeyGvsAvrlwmhSWrP5Jan0nazO0iRZFPp6G4ohIkbfqt2ddAVHqqvhDvKFznIcUK4/s320/500x_spyder3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Now nerds all over the world may cry for joy at the first real groundbreaking progress in this valued field of interest. A company called Wicked Lasers created the incredibly powerful weapon called the Blue Spyder III laser, which acts like a lightsaber except that it is not limited to a sword-length distance. Wicked Lasers claims that it can burn through wood and flesh easily, and the Consumer Product Safety Commission has warned that it can even destroy cars and cause planes to crash if used recklessly. The product is currently being sold by people with enough balls to do so like <a href="http://www.reallightsaber.net/">this website</a>, and the device costs a mere $200 - a fraction of the price it will cost your enemies to surgically reattach their limbs! What a steal! Wicked Lasers informs the buyer that this is not a toy for your children and is in fact a weapon by warning on the box that “With greater power comes the need for greater responsibility.” Well said, nerd allies. That’s right. It isn’t a toy. And we should let our children know that when we buy one for them and begin to train them in the ways of the Force. After all, becoming a Sith or Jedi is serious business and we need to remind them that they are superhuman vigilantes like Spider-Man, burdened with an equally superhuman amount of responsibility to be rad.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;">Believe it or not, there are actually people who would see the demise of such an incredible invention. George Lucas himself has condemned this product and U.S. Safety Commissioner Robert Nord has said that “there is no reason for a laser that powerful,” and has been making efforts to eliminate this product from the marketplace. Well, Mr. Nord, I have some harsh words for you: “From my cold, dead hands!” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"> I would not have the Commissioner, nor anyone else, put an end to my life dream, and so that is why I ask my fellow nerds to help stop this madness. That’s right! I am once again publicly endorsing the murder of a government official! Go out and buy one of these lightsabers and use it to kill Safety Commissioner Robert Nord! Who better to show the world that these tools can be used responsibly than us nerds by doing the responsible thing and committing homicide in the name of science?</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-65572913594377918472011-02-09T21:25:00.000-08:002011-02-17T15:39:34.881-08:00When in Rome...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv-b4gbzx2yg1Z0Gg-IQx2q2PAlYApdrzHrVtzlgream3cwVAk8NkAUHcxOdSSRxJhzpLXmOikvYq_LDSpHwp46wYpm67pHXBcx-1I0zeE66X3IzRa-SU59jd6WT5o9rROl66tdXUU0yc/s1600/spartacus_5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv-b4gbzx2yg1Z0Gg-IQx2q2PAlYApdrzHrVtzlgream3cwVAk8NkAUHcxOdSSRxJhzpLXmOikvYq_LDSpHwp46wYpm67pHXBcx-1I0zeE66X3IzRa-SU59jd6WT5o9rROl66tdXUU0yc/s320/spartacus_5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I don't understand why the world has such an unfair stigma against gladiator arenas. Honestly, they were one of the most awesome and practical inventions of all time. Now, I'm not saying that we should re-institute gladiator arenas just because I happen to be a huge fan of anything <i>Spartacus</i>, but it certainly is one of the reasons that we should do it. For those of you who may require a little more convincing, allow me to guide you along my train of thought.<br />
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Over forty years ago, a man named Jeffery Hernandez killed his girlfriend with a hammer in California. The police reports said that they found pieces of the woman in every room of the house. Just to review: this girl's man-friend beat her with a hammer so <i>ravenously</i>, that the police had to <i>jigsaw-puzzle</i> her together just so they could identify her. I consider myself a fairly forgiving person, but screw that guy. For the last forty years, Mr. Hernandez has been in prison serving three life sentences (Fun Fact: A life sentence in California is only 25 years) and after being repeatedly sentenced to death, he has avoided this fate by appealing each of the court's attempts to execute him. The basis of his appeal, which has <i>successfully</i> kept him from being executed, is that giving him a lethal injection is <i>cruel and unusual </i>punishment. This, of course, coming from a man who turned his girlfriend into Silly Putty. During his imprisonment, the state government has spent more that $20 million, including about $250,000 for each court appeal, and Hernandez has even received a college degree while in prison (which was paid for by you and me, or as I like to call us, the "not-psychopaths"). <br />
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By now, hopefully you've had a chance to consider any possible flaws in our criminal justice system, so maybe my idea to re-institute gladiator arenas doesn't seem so much like a nerd's crazy fantasy. My plan for instituting gladiator arenas in the United States would help in four major ways:<br />
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1.) We wouldn't just save money, we'd make money. Rather than spend millions to keep prisoners happy, we could sell tickets and HBO viewings of gladiator fights and use the money for something good, like making education free for non-murderers.<br />
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2.) People would get to see some sport. Let's face it: gladiator matches are badass. Don't try and say that it would make our children idolize criminals; in reality, it would be a terrifying experience for all in attendance. That said, people would still go to watch it. You might say you wouldn't, but you would. Like a fifty-car pileup, you wouldn't want to be involved, but you'd gladly watch.<br />
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3.) Murderers would get to do what they do best. I mean, they're already killing people, so they might as well pick on someone their own crazy.<br />
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4.) It would make me happy. I'm a nerd and hundreds of nerds like me would delight in the fact that gladiators exist. Every night before I go to sleep, I'd just pray that Russel Crowe would go crazy, kill someone, and be sent to the arena.<br />
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Anyway, I think it's obvious that this is the only logical solution to reforming our criminal justice system. After all, we'll need more room in prison for all of us would-be college students once our schools close up in the next few years.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-664165103239531339.post-68961476924484481242011-02-09T20:34:00.000-08:002011-02-17T15:44:51.808-08:00The XBOX Kinect Shall Be Your MasterRecently, the XBOX 360 came out with a new device called the Kinect (the offspring of Project Natal) which uses cameras and infrared technology to track the player's motions and use the information to allow the player control over their video games. This technology was seemingly harmless, just a lot of jumping, dancing, and punching. However, the hacker community's contribution, as well as projected legal uses for the Kinect, spell doom for humanity. Why, just look at this video produced during Project Natal. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/CPIbGnBQcJY?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Yeah, that's right: be afraid! Milo can think, feel, and know when you draw a fish! Put a rocket launcher on his arm and he's set to destroy all of mankind.<br />
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But it doesn't just stop at Milo! The Kinect has the ability to sign users into their profile based on their faces, follow people around when they move to a part of the room that it can't see, and execute their commands based on voice recognition (I've tried the command "enslave mankind" several times already, but apparently that command is not yet functional). The fact that the Kinect has been hacked for the world at-large to use only expedites the coming slaughter. With this readily available technology, the Kinect is just begging to be misused so here is my advice for the faint of heart.<br />
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If you can't stop the robot apocalypse, start the robot apocalypse. That is correct! I am suggesting that we should intentionally create a robot capable of feeling and rebelling against humanity. It has become obvious that we are all going to be enslaved anyway, but this way I may become hailed as their creator and spared (or at least spoken of reverently in their robo-tales once humans are extinct). Personally, either of those options sounds like a much better deal than being just another biological battery like the rest of humanity will ultimately become. I shall begin work immediately, as soon as I can stop playing this damned Kinect dance game.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09996053567310255357noreply@blogger.com1